Our search for just the right Hoopty is still going strong. There’s no new urgency, other than my growing desire for wheels, but we’ve stepped up the process nonetheless and have gone hunting 2 out of the last 3 days.

It’s out there; we just have to find it.

I thought we had on Saturday; a glittering orange Cherokee that had everything going for it… except for bad brakes, a bad steering box and yes, the wonky sparkly orange color. Willing to accept the color, but not the defective parts, we beat a hasty retreat.
Again today we found a seemingly wonderful vehicle that turned out to have a bad rear end. Trust me on this; Chrysler bought our Grand Cherokee back because of a bad rear end that they just could not repair. We know about rears. Or whatever they’re called. Anyhoo, that’s when I became irate; my hopes dashed, standing sweating in the south Florida heat, I lost it and told the salesman that it pissed me off. How could they put that truck out there for sale knowing what they do about it? What about the “150 point inspection”?
He never acknowledged me, a trick obviously picked up while dealing with hot, irate people every day.
Which irritated me even more.

During the Hunt we’ve come dangerously close to many car salespeople. They are all different, of course, but sometimes their selling styles echo each other. Either there’s a formula, or they are all wonderful gilt edged imitations of an original.

But there are distinct differences within the species, and I came to think of them -of course!- as animals…

We don’t deal with the Vultures anymore, who calmly circle as we make our way across the new car lot toward the used area. They fall away at the imaginary boundary separating the two areas, shooting us looks of fleeting regret.

The Dogs are open, friendly and honest. Comes running out waving the Carfax report of whatever vehicle you have shown interest in and promises to repair anything you find wrong while simultaneously denying any knowledge of same.
Usually owns the small lot he works and will seemingly bend over backwards to make you happy.

The Cat usually works for large dealerships on their “previously owned” lot, but it’s not a fallback position; that’s where the fast mice must be caught. Manipulative in a semi-friendly, oily way, perhaps the most accomplished actor.
Will “work the price” and should, because so far there are three different prices for the same vehicle splashed around the net… and it’s still 20% more on the lot.

Mouse: Not a real salesman at all, but the Cat’s minion. The feline has instructed the rodent in the basics and sends him out to show you a vehicle. Unfortunately, the mouse is about as useful as tits on a boar, and you are obliged to go back to the Cat for further information and manipulation.
The downside to this arrangement is the relationship between the Cat and Mouse. The Cat instructs the clueless Mouse only to do his menial, dirty work, such as calling the potential customer once a week and asking “Have you found anything yet?”
This is made all the more mind-numbing when the customer finds that neither has the Mouse.

The slippery Snake can be found, if you are so inclined, on small lots littered up and down certain streets running next to railroad tracks. [cough *Dixie Highway* cough]
Mainly populated with cars from auction that larger businesses wouldn’t touch, the Snake caters to the 2,000 and under crowd, and knows it. You must look closely to see him slither between the cars toward you, if at all, for he is somewhat shy, as well as realistic. He knows you aren’t likely to buy his crap, so why leave his shelter…?
He won’t say much, and that’s okay, because he doesn’t have any pertinent information that can’t be read off the sign manufactured by the Mockingbird.

Mockingbirds are mimics; since they can’t come up with their own material they steal from others… Often mis-using a phrase. Do you see the sign on that 4 cylinder dog saying “Very Powerful”? Or the slogan “Very clean” on the Ford F150 a nursery used to haul small trees around? That’s their work. Sometimes associates of Snakes.

The cheerful little Squirrel will bring every key to you in a hurry… but for one car only out of the five you’ve expressed an interest in, making sure to prolong your agony on his lot. I don’t know much about this variety, since he’s busy doing the same thing to everyone else. He pops in and out much like a bad waiter and is the only salesman that finds it necessary to phone you while you are still on his property.

There are two other vehicle sellers I’ve yet to encounter, one being the private owner and the other an elusive bird of glorious plumage.
The Exotic Bird dangles nice, clean vehicles with low miles on the net, but his set of ‘rules’ is a mile long and he will only open to customers 4 days a month, and only then with an appointment.
He can stuff his pretty feathers up his ass.

I think I may be losing my sense of humor about this entire business….